I suppose it is time to share two childhood stories that I have been keeping from you due to the embarrassing nature of each story. However, they have been leaked by my brother who told them to Sammy last week during a camping trip and I was unable to intercept and stop the leak.
As a child, I once went to our family dentist, lets call him Dr. Ripper. While I was in the chair having a tooth examination, some startling information was discovered. I had thirteen cavities. Some may say that I could blame this on the the lack of fluoride in Utah's tap water at the time. Unfortunately I cannot. The following two stories will shock and amaze you:
TOILET LEMON
My favorite after school snack growing up was to suck on lemons. I would cut them in half and bite in, draining all the pulp and juice out. I can imagine my first set of teeth repeatedly biting down into the acidic enamel destroying substance over and over and over. Then I would turn the lemon half inside
out and proceed to carnivorously devour the fruit meat leaving only the rind and sometimes I would even eat the white stuff, yeah the white inner layer of the rind. So this was not good. Even Dr. Ripper would probably agree, if he didn't get off on seeing children experience root canals without Novocaine or placing copper fangs on my brother Dave that protruded out of his mouth. I can still see Dave during recess in grade school probably ramming his fangs on the side walk until they mysteriously came off. Was Dr. Ripper a plumber or a dentist? Who knows? My mom says it doesn't matter what he was 'cause he was cheap.One day I came home and after biting into a lemon a few times I had to use the bathroom. So I set the lemon half on the back of the toilet and forgot about it leaving it there. My brother Dave walked in some time later and curiosity got the better of him. He had always wondered why I would eat something so sour, for fun. So he tried the lemon, puckered up and threw it in the toilet. A while later my mom came in and saw the lemon floating sunny side up in the bowl and fished it out returning it to its original location on the back of the toilet tank. Eventually I made my way back to the bathroom and remembered where I had left my delicious snack. Seeing it in its original location, I picked it up and continued to eat it. Not noticing that it was watered down a bit. That night my mom stopped in to say goodnight and asked what happened to the lemon she fished out of the toilet. Dave and I shared a room, so he enjoyed watching me gag and spit.
B
UTT SUCKER 
After the divorce, we lived with my grandparents. Isaac and I shared a bed in the corner of the family room. One evening my aunt Dawn, bless her heart, gave us old fashioned suckers the kind with wooden handles. I think that mine was flavored green apple. I was the kind of kid that ate candy whenever, wherever. Halloween was a pillow case affair and after making the rounds I would stuff my pillow back in and eat candy all night. So I took the sucker to bed and fell asleep with it in my mouth. The next morning I can still remember a light going on inside my head when I realized the sucker wasn't in my mouth anymore. I looked over at Isaac and there he was with his back to me and I found my sucker. It was stuck to his Fruit of the Looms right smack in the middle of his right butt cheek. So I figured the Fruit of the Looms preserved the treat pulled it off and ate it.
Someday I may share the fish tank story although I am pretty sure that you can already imagine what happened.
7 comments:
Didn't we all eat candy that had been in compromised situations once or twice when we were kids?
Tom, I was cracking up reading this. What I want to know is why your mom stocked lemons for the snacking.
Love it! I used to stick my chewing gum on the side of my bed post when I was a kid and pick it up the next morning, though nothing as revolting as Butt Suckers.
I thought the cavities were due to your Hubba Bubba addiction. At least, that's what I told Sammy.
P.S. I also told him where babies come from, and about gay sex and pedophiles for good measure. That's how Mom explained it to me, so I figure it's good enough for Sam.
Like Kerelig, I was laughing the whole time I read the post. I was trying hard to keep it quite and not wake up the kidos with my loud laughter.
Dave I will have to have you take my kids out for a weekend when they come of age too.
-Alisa
Oh man! Thanks for the laugh!
KT and Scott
Now that I finally figured out how to post comments I feel free. Loved and laughed over the story. Think whenever I see you and lemons Ill make sure they're not near toilets :-)
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